BINDING AGREEMENT · NON-NEGOTIABLE · NON-ENFORCEABLE

Terms of Service

By loading this page you have agreed to these Terms. By not loading this page you have also agreed to these Terms, since your refusal is a string and we have it.

JURISDICTION
The integers
GOVERNING LAW
Arithmetic (Peano, 1889)
TIME SPENT READING
00:00 (more than anyone ever has)

1. Acceptance of Terms

These Terms of Service (“Terms”) form a binding agreement between you (“Record”) and EthicalDox (“a for-loop”). If you do not agree to these Terms, please close this tab, at which point you will remain in our database anyway, as you have been since before you were born.

2. Description of Service

EthicalDox provides a comprehensive people-search database containing every phone number, IP address, home address, email, password, birthday, PIN, and Social Security Number that could possibly exist. Results are generated on demand by counting. The service has a 100% hit rate and a 0% usefulness rate, which we believe is a better ratio than the industry average.

EthicalDox is not a consumer reporting agency. It is not a background check service. It is barely a service. Do not use it to make decisions about employment, housing, credit, insurance, or which of your friends to trust. Use it to feel slightly uneasy.

3. Eligibility

You must be at least 13 years old to use EthicalDox, or able to count to 13, whichever comes first. You must also exist, though if you do not, we likely have your data regardless.

4. Acceptable Use

You may use EthicalDox to:

  • Find yourself. You will succeed. Everyone does.
  • Find anyone else. You will also succeed, and learn nothing, because it is the same list.
  • Show it to the one friend who still reuses their password.
  • Experience the profound terror of realising that your phone number is just a number.

5. Prohibited Conduct

You agree not to:

  • Call every number in the Phone table. You will not finish. There are ten billion of them. Your phone bill would itself become an entry in our database.
  • Scrape the database. It is infinite. Your scraper will grow old and retire with a page number that has 500 digits.
  • Attempt to reverse-engineer our proprietary technology, which is ████████.
  • Use any record found here to harass, stalk, threaten, or actually dox anyone. The records belong to no one. Treating them otherwise makes you the problem, not the arithmetic.
  • Submit a GDPR request asking us to delete the number 7. We have received several. The number 7 remains.

6. Accuracy of Information

We guarantee that every record in our database is accurate, in the sense that it is exactly what it says it is. A phone number is a phone number. We make no claim about who owns it, whether it rings, or whether the person who answers will be happy to hear from you. Based on prior experience, they will not.

7. Intellectual Property

All site design and text are © EthicalDox. The data itself is not ours. It is not yours. It is not anyone's. It belongs to mathematics, which has a famously relaxed licensing policy. We tried to trademark the number 5,550,100. Our lawyer stopped returning our calls, possibly because we were calling from that number.

8. Pricing, Billing, and Refunds

All plans include full access to the same complete database. Premium tiers include the same database, but you will feel better about it.

Refunds are available in full. Since all plans cost nothing, your refund will also be nothing. It will be processed immediately. It has already been processed. Check your account. Your balance is a number. We have it.

9. Disclaimer of Warranties

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED “AS IS,” “AS AVAILABLE,” AND “AS INFINITE.” WE MAKE NO WARRANTY THAT THE SERVICE WILL MEET YOUR REQUIREMENTS, UNLESS YOUR REQUIREMENT IS EVERY NUMBER, IN WHICH CASE IT MEETS THEM EXACTLY. WE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND THE IMPLIED WARRANTY THAT ANY OF THIS IS USEFUL.

10. Limitation of Liability

To the fullest extent permitted by law, EthicalDox's total liability to you for any claim is limited to the amount you paid us, which is zero, multiplied by the number of records in our database, which is approximately 1.5 × 10791. Our lawyers assure us this is still zero.

11. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify and hold harmless EthicalDox, its officers, employees (a for-loop), and agents (another for-loop, but nested) from any claim arising from your use of the service, including but not limited to claims that you found your password here and had a bad afternoon.

12. Termination

We may terminate your access to EthicalDox at any time, for any reason, by turning off the website. Your records will survive termination. They will survive everything. That is the nice thing about numbers.

13. Dispute Resolution

Any dispute arising from these Terms will be resolved by binding arbitration before a neutral arbitrator who will count, out loud, until one party gives up. The arbitrator's decision is final and is already in our database.

14. Severability

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain equally unenforceable. These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and EthicalDox, along with every other possible agreement, all of which are in the Universal String Registry, including one where you won.

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